Counting all my blessings, one by one . . . .

Who knew that this journey (my husband age 61 has FTD) would be so difficult. It was hard enough to find out after a year of erratic crazy behavior and loosing his job that the love of my life of nearly 40 years had a fatal brain disease. Then trying to accept and comprehend the terrible diagnosis knowing there was no happy ending and things would only get worse. At the same time my whole world was being turned upside down I had to deal with no income from him (he was too young for Social Security) deal with the very uneasy application process for Social Security Disability, which still has not been approved (can't they see the diagnosis of Fatal Brain Disease) go to all his medical appointments, take care of the house, the yard, the bills, and go back to work part time. . . . all the time watching him decline to the point that my husband is gone and I am living with a stranger. With an uncertain future, not knowing what to expect, financial uncertainty (our savings is fast running out) and the grieving process, I have barely kept it together. There have been terrible days that I thought I could not bear and my emotions are all over the place. I get mad, mad at him and mad at God. I feel robbed. . . . Then I feel bad for getting mad and the guilt sets in.

After beating myself up and crying a lot, I remember to count my blessings. Yes, he has this awful disease and yes he is dying and yes I am sad and lonely and even scared. . . . but then, I remember that I had 40 years with this amazing man who is the love of my life (after all, we were high school sweethearts). A man who was the most amazing dad to our kids. I have to remind myself that some people never have even a couple of years with someone they love. I also remind myself that sometimes it takes years to get a diagnosis and we figured it out in one year. I remind myself that I have the most amazing family and friends who love and care for me. I know how much I love him and even though there will be horrible days and things will get so much worse . . I know that I will endure to the end. I have to! And even though there will be days that I will still be sad and even mad, today I am feeling blessed. Blessed to know that we will be together again some day and this isn't the end of our amazing love story.